36 hours

Stairs are starting to become quite troublesome to climb due to poor coordination, but otherwise no problems so far with staying awake, other than the obvious tiredness. Thanks to Frillybloomers I've been able to keep myself entertained and awake by playing Cave Story through most of the day.

This morning's doctor trip was about as bad as I'd expected it to be. My first attempt at catching the bus was a failure, there were too many people walking around on their way to school, so I retreated back into the house to wait for them to be out of the way so that I could try and get the next bus. Luckily I'd left enough time to do so before the appointment, heh. Once I got up to the reception desk I forgot how to form words and just awkwardly help up my appointment card while trying to stutter out some kind of self-introduction, she seemed to understand the meaning though. The waiting room was incredibly uncomfortable, so by the time my name was called to go through to the doctor I'd worked myself up even more. So fucking humiliating to have a nice woman talking to me kindly and trying to help, and yet all I could do was stare at the floor to desperately avoid eye contact while shaking in fear and attempting to throw out the occasional broken sounding word like some sort of idiot. She was understanding about it though, and asked about how I'd been getting on with the treatment and so on. After being let out I huddled in a corner of the corridor for a few moments with my head in my hands while I regained control of my breath. Aaah, I'm pathetic! At least the stinging shame is painful enough to keep me awake while it gnaws away at my self-respect.

It really does feel strange to admit this kind of thing to people online who I've never spoken with before. I think it's perhaps somewhat easier since it's more that I'm just talking to myself than directing it at someone else or a specific group of people, since even posting anonymously on /jp/ is a big challenge at times.

Well, anyway. Now that it's completely dark outside and there'll be nobody at all around, I might go for a walk. This is the only time I feel at ease to leave the house, and I think the cold air should rouse me a bit.