Went to buy some milk

I pace around the house, going over my checklist one last time. Keys, check, mp3 player, check, headphones, check, money, check. Take deep breaths, try to control my heart beat. I think I'm ready. I swallow and handful of pills and head to the front door, checking my appearance in the mirror to make sure nothing stands out too much. Hideous as usual, but it can't be helped. I place the headphones over my ears and press the play button as I step out of the door.

Outside now. It's just as horrible as I remembered it. I turn and make sure to carefully lock the door, then stuff my hands in my pockets since I don't know what to do with my arms otherwise, and don't want them to be dangling awkwardly. I never know what to do with my arms. I make my way towards a nearby alleyway; there's no roads or houses opening onto it so the chance of meeting people while walking it is reduced greatly.

The alley doesn't last long, and I come back out onto the roads. I start to nervously twist my keys around my fingers in my pocket, counting the number of seconds between each time I'm viewable from someone's window or car. 5 seconds, 5 seconds, 5 seconds... hey, this is weird. Did they plan this? They're keeping me under surveillance? That has to be it.

I keep my eyes to the ground, occasionally lifting my eyes to check the path I'm on is still clear. A car starts coming down the road I'm next to. W-wait, isn't it going kind of slowly? No, it's definitely slower than it should be. They're staring at me! They're obviously driving slowly past me to get a good look at me while I'm out! I know it's a rare occurence, but please, try to conceal yourselves a bit better if you insist on doing such things! They've gone past, phew. But... Now they're turning around and combing back this way?! This is ridiculous, I should just go home already. No, no, I have to continue. I speed up my pace, being careful not to make it obvious enough to draw any attention to myself.

Almost there now, but... damnit. The route I want to take has someone walking down it. It's ok, I'll take a detour. It's a bit longer, but should be clear. The song playing in my ears is coming to an end, and as the mp3 player goes quiet I hear a horrible ragged hissing sound coming from somewhere nearby. What the fuck is it? I can't turn and look around, that'd seem too suspicious. It sounds close. It's... oh, wait. It's just my own breathing. Hahah... hah. Damn it.

I get to the carpark and begin to cross it. I hate these open spaces. With roads I can at least face down and away from the direction of the cars, but here there's no safe place to look to avoid people recognising me. The guy at the cash machine turns and stares at me as I approach the doors and enter the shop.

Pausing my mp3 player at this point but leaving the headphones on is definitely the best method. I can listen out to determine the direction of other people in the shop, but am still protected from them. I can still feign ignorance if they start to laugh at me or make fun of me, and pretend I didn't hear because of the music in my ears.

I carefully head over to the milk aisle, but as I approach my goal a mother and her child appear out of nowhere and block my path. Fuck, it's too late to turn around and go down a different aisle now, they've spotted me, it'd look too weird, can't draw any attention to myself. I decide to retreat back a few steps and wait for them to pass out of my way. The young girl looks up at me with an expression showing something of a mix between surprise and curiosity. I knew it, I'm definitely weird. A walking freak show. Even this kid can tell. I'm hopeless! Her mother turns to notice me and then hurries the child along, as if noticing an escapee from a lunatic asylum and trying to protect her daughter from whatever insanity I might unleash at any moment.

I finally manage to get my hands on the bottle of milk and make my way to the counter. There's an old woman and young girl serving. The old woman seems like the safer option, so I head over to her. Don't make eye contact, don't let her see into me, can't risk letting her realise what I am. I have to try and act like a normal human being. I place the milk on the counter. Without any warning, she begins her assault.

"Is that it? Any petrol with that?"

Shit, she's caught me off guard. She already knows! Knows all about me. I have to answer her, but what can I say to throw her off? Damn them and their sneaky interrogation techniques! I have to say something, I can't just stand here in silence. I'll try saying "no" and see how she reacts.

"N-nn-..."

My voice won't come out. This is terrible. The shop goes silent. Outside of my field of vision, everyone stops what they're doing and turns to stare at the spectacle. Cars slam on their brakes in the street to peer in through the window. Birds stop flying and hover in midair to look down from above. Shitshitshit. I resort to shaking my head furiously and hope it's enough to give her the answer she wants. At first it seems to have worked, but then she reveals her trump card.

"-tyfive."

...huh? Was that the price? But I... I was too busy worrying and didn't hear her. I look around for some kind of machine with a digital display, but can't see anything. I can't ask her to repeat herself, that'd be too weird, I'd look like an idiot, she'd know something was up. Well, let's think. It sounded a bit like "twentyfive" but 25p is much too little. Therefore it must have been £1.25, right? ...right? I don't have any choice, I'll have to go with that and hope for the best.

I reach into my pocket and fish out a bunch of 50p coins. As I stare at them in my hand, a dreadful terror seeps through me. I realise I've... completely forgotten how to add. Time grinds to a halt. The birds and cars stare on. Ants crawl in through the door to take a look at what everyone else is so interested in. The clouds take the form of sneering faces, gazing straight down at me. People begin to point and whisper to each other. A couple try to hide their faces as they giggle. The woman gets more and more impatient. I don't actually see any of this, but I know it's going on as I continue to stare dumbly into my palm, trying to remember how many 50p coins I need to hand over to cover the £1.25 cost.

In the end I take a wild guess and hand over four 50p coins. Better to shoot too high than too low. The woman... looks at me strangely and hands back one coin. Ah, of course, it was three. But it's too late now, that look, I recognise that look. She knows. She knows all about me, knows everything. I want to die, just kill me now. The urge becomes almost unbearable, but I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away. She gives me my change and my receipt, I make no attempt to cover how much my hand is shaking as I take it from her, there's no point hiding anything now. I just want to get out. She hasn't given me a bag. I'd really like a bag, but it's impossible to ask for one after that. I leave with my head held low.

I get home and go straight to bed, curling up into a ball. Never again.