The obligatory hot springs episode

"You haven't been to an onsen?" She's puzzled by my lack of experience.

"Nope."

"Do you want to go to one with me? If I spend the night at your place on Sunday, we could go together on Monday!"

Hold on.

Wait.

Let me process...

She knows I'm gay, right? I did tell her that, yeah? She didn't forget? And She's asking to sleep at my place and go get naked together the next day? Is this something that people just do with friends? My only experience until now has been in the UK, and there the only times we're naked in front of another person are 1) when we're born and 2) when we're having sex, with the doors locked and bolted, the blackout curtains closed and the light bulbs smashed in the sink like old eggs JUST IN CASE they turn themselves back on. You can never be too careful. So, I'm not much of a pro when it comes to being naked around others. Let alone a bath full of strangers plus one person I know. 

She asks me, "Can I borrow your pajamas to sleep in?"

"Uh... sure, of course!"

Ah shit. This is gonna be a dangerous weekend, I can already tell. What if I end up accidentally being massively creepy somehow? If I make a joke without thinking that makes her uncomfortable? If I stare at her while spacing out? If I accidentally brush up against her at some point and you--- oh no, too many risks! Far too many! This is definitely a bad idea! I should put an end to the whole thing.

But I didn't, because I'm an idiot.

...

Sunday rolls around. We do some food shopping at a supermarket together, teasing each other as we do so. It's hard to get through the check-out process because she's making me laugh so hard about something stupid. We spend the evening at a mutual friend's house, playing card games and eating food. We walk back to my apartment afterwards, a little tipsy from drinking and in the afterglow of a good evening. It's cold, so we hold hands and huddle up as we walk. 

When was the last time I held hands with someone? How many years has it been? It feels so nice.

I set up a fold-out chair for myself to sleep on, and she climbs into my bed by herself. 

"Goodnight!"

A few minutes pass.

She asks, "...Are you sure you're fine sleeping down there on that chair? Why don't you just sleep with me instead?"

Don't be creepy, don't be creepy, don't be creepy.

"Ah, that's a bit, umm... I mean, I'm fine here, it's not too bad."

"You don't want to?"

"I don't NOT want to, but, you know..."

"Just come here!"

Is this really ok? Surely this is a bad idea. But my body ignores my brain's protests and climbs in alongside her.

It's warm.

She's warm.

Pillow talk gently flows. When did I end up being the big spoon? I don't remember how we got into this position. Did I initiate this, or did she? I hope she's not uncomfortable. Since moving here in March the loneliness has been piling up inside me like a blanket of cold snow from a never-ending winter, but for just this moment the snow's stopped falling. A warm sun peeks out, some of the snow melts. I try my best not to cry. That would definitely make things awkward.

Monday morning. I don't want to wake up or do anything. Let us just keep lying here together and dozing. This is enough for me now, I don't need anything else.

Time marches forward, and we have to get up and do things. We get ready and head out to the nearby outdoor mall and wander around the shops a little, looking at the entirely too warm-looking selection of clothes on offer. We get some food from McDonalds and sit to eat it next to a carousel attraction.

I'd been here a few nights earlier on my own. After shopping at a supermarket, I’d sat here to eat a stone-roasted sweet potato since a coworker had recommended them to me. I’d sat munching on my potato and watched the groups around me – happy families with small children, couples on dates, groups of highschool girls taking selfies together with their friends. At some point I'd realised "Oh… I'm the only person here by myself." After that the lump in my throat had made it too hard to carry on eating the potato. Coming back here again with an actual friend this time felt like a chance to rewrite that memory.

While we eat our junk food I ask her about her family. How her relationship is with her parents and sibling. What she was like as a student. What kind of things she filled her spare time with in the past. What she wants to do with her future. She lets me use her leftover ketchup.

"Shall we head over to the onsen?"

In the entrance we take off our shoes and put them into lockers, and then put money into a machine that lets us choose what we want like we're using the self-service at a fast food place. The machine spits out little tickets that we take to the reception desk and exchange for towels and rental yukata. We wander through the surprisingly large building into the women-only section, and it's time to undress.

I said, it's time to undress.

Why am I just standing here. Undress! Strip! It's too late to back out now! 

"Are you alright?" she asks. Yeah, I am, I just, I just need a minute. She strips off her underwear and wanders off to use the bathroom wearing just a t-shirt on the top half. I accidentally catch a glimpse as she walks away, and avert my eyes. While she's gone I do my best to get undressed. It's a little easier without having somebody stood next to me, but she gets back before I'm completely finished. I try to not think about it and just carry on using the momentum I've built up.

"You can only bring that small towel with you," she explains, "but don't let it get in the water. Also, we have to shower first before we can get into the baths." 

Have you ever tried to follow someone and copy them without looking at them? It's not the easiest task. We walk through into the shower area, and I see that there are maybe 8 or so other people in there at the same time as us. 

Don't think about it. Don't look at anyone. Concentrate on doing nothing.

We sit next to each other on small plastic schools and begin to wash ourselves with detachable shower heads. I make an awkward comment about the soap smelling nice. I'm not sure what else to say. I focus very hard on looking down at my feet the entire time. I feel as though Bad Things will happen if I don't. I'm not sure what I think the Bad Things might be. Maybe everyone will unanimously agree that I shouldn't be in there, that I'm disgusting and an intruder and that they can't believe they ever wanted to associate with me in the first place. Or that my presence makes everyone else uncomfortable and they would rather I wasn't there and want nothing to do with me. Something along those lines.

After washing ourselves we head over and ease ourselves into the indoor bath. We’re the only two in this bath at the moment, so it’s not too difficult to find a safe direction to look. We sit side by side and chat for a while, and gradually my own self-consciousness about being naked starts to fade away. When everyone else is naked, nobody really cares that you are. I guess this should have been obvious from the start. It seems funny to me that a culture that dresses so conservatively most of the time is also completely fine to be completely naked around each other in certain contexts. Once I’ve gotten used to the indoor bath we head over and sit on benches next to a shallow bath made for dipping just your feet into. Sitting next to each other in the open air without any water to hide beneath is enough to finally start making me feel at ease with the current situation. Or, maybe it’s the hot water lapping around my feet and the gentle sounds of running water. Either way, I’m not quite ready to look at her yet but I don’t mind if she looks at me.

I stand up, face towards her, feet apart, plant my hands on my hips and look her in the eyes.

“Look at me. I’m totally naked!”

She laughs at me. “Yes, yes you are.”

I give her a cheesy grin.

“Are you feeling alright now?” she asks. I suppose I am. With her looking at me, I don’t feel quite so guilty about looking back at her. For the first time, I take in what she looks like without her clothes on.

And...

It’s not a big deal. There’s no anime-style showers of blood squirting from my nose, or profuse blushing (beyond the red face I have already from the hot water). Of course, I’ve never really been turned on by nudity anyway… Why was I worried about having some perverse reaction to it here?

She stands up and asks, “Want to try the outdoor bath?”

“Let’s do it!”

Ahh, now this is what I came here for. The classic outdoor pool amidst a variety of large rocks and boulders, a tall wooden wall dividing the women’s section from the men’s, and a sprawling view of the local river winding its way across the horizon. Hawks circle overhead, a lone fisherman is down by the river, too far away to see clearly, and the cold breeze is a soothing contrast to the hot water. We wade into the pool and sit together, backs against a large boulder in the centre. The bottom of the pool seems as though it would probably be uncomfortable to sit on normally, but the buoyancy provided by the water acts as a cushion and makes everything surprisingly comfortable. We sit facing each other and talk. We show each other the parts of our bodies that we don’t like, and reassure each other. We compare scars and discuss where they came from. It all feels perfectly comfortable and normal. Is this how comfortable most people feel with their friends? Being naked with someone has a surprisingly profound effect on your feelings of trust towards that person. I open up about things I’d normally be unable to people about, let alone someone I’ve only known for a few months now.

I’ve heard the phrase used in anime countless times before this point, so I’m ready to use it when the time comes. “Gokurakugokuraku!”

She bursts out laughing at me. “What’s with that expression?! You sound like an old man!” Not the reaction I was expecting, but making her laugh is always a welcome outcome.

I feel my pulse racing and wonder if I’m having more of a reaction than I’m consciously aware of, but then she tells me that it’s probably because of the hot water. We get out and drink cold water from a fountain, and then go to try out the sauna. Walking around from section to section in front of other people no longer bothers me at all. There’s a sense of freedom and that begins to set in, and I realise I’m starting to enjoy being naked in front of them. I stand up straight and hold my head up high. Maybe I was a repressed exhibitionist all along. Probably not, though.

The sauna is HOT. Two other women are in there, looking like they’ve been there for a few hundred years now. They’re both frighteningly skinny and look as though they’re not enjoying themselves at all. This must be something they do regularly for beauty reasons. I only last five minutes or so before my face and eyes start to hurt from the heat, so we leave.

Directly outside there’s a small square wooden bath full of cold water. My friend doesn’t seem to want to try it, so I get into it by myself. I’m filled with a nostalgic sensation, reminded immediately of how it felt to go swimming in midsummer back home in Scotland. I feel as though all of the suffering I went through in Japan’s unbearable hot, humid summer is finally being cleansed from my body. Seeing me enjoying the water, my friend tries to get in as well. She has less of an easy time of it, and tries to ease herself in slowly. I know from experience that doing so that way only prolongs the pain and makes the acclimatisation take longer, but it’s amusing watching her trying to force herself in inch by inch so I don’t say anything. Her entire body breaks out into goosebumps, and so we teach each other how to say “goosebumps” in our respective languages. Torihada (鳥肌) apparently. Bird skin. Pretty similar.

Once she’s completely into the water I scoot over to her side and wrap my arms around her to giver her a hug. I’m not thinking as I do so, still riding the high of feeling as though I’m back home in the sea and no longer uncomfortably warm, but as soon as I make physical contact with her I’m snapped back to reality.

Oh right. We’re naked right now, and I’m hugging her. What am I doing?

I’ve been trying hard not to do anything stupid like this, but in a moment’s lapse of concentration I’ve instinctively gone and embraced her. She doesn’t recoil though, or even comment on the action. She simply pulls me in tighter, putting her own arms over the top of mine as she shivers and clings to me.

“Back to the sauna?” I ask.

This time it’s not nearly as painful as the first. Having cooled myself down beforehand, going into the heat feels nice. We sit across from each other in the back corner of the room so that we can face each other and talk. She really is pretty. I envy the shape of her body, the smooth curve where her thighs meet with her hips and move upwards into her waist. The shape and size of her breasts and her narrow shoulders, her thick dark hair, her shining eyes and unabashed smile.

Is that bathwater or sweat dripping down her right now?

The only bath left to try is the kamaburo, a small round metal bath that looks like a big cooking pot. Narrow and deep, it seems designed for a single occupant but we both squeeze ourselves into it. We try sitting side by side but the round shape makes it a little awkward. We settle on sitting across from each other, facing one another with our legs crossed behind each others’ backs.

Uwaaa. What kind of position is this? It’s so intimate! She’s straight though, don’t forget it! Don’t fall for her! Don’t get hurt!

We look out over the scenery in front of us, pointing things out to each other and chatting about what we want from the future. I try to encourage her about finding a boyfriend for herself, thinking that if I do that I’ll be able to make sure I don’t get any mistaken ideas. We go over some of the different guys she talks to, asking how she feels about them. Asking what type she usually likes, and about her previous relationship experience. I tell her I’ll support her and try to help her finding someone. That seems like the best way to make sure I don’t end up developing unwanted feelings.

“I really like Oyama,” she tells me.

“Me too.” It’s true. I don’t think I’ve felt attached to a place I’ve lived before. Not until I moved away and started to miss it.

“I’d like to move here next year.”

“You should!” Having a friend I’m as comfortable with as her nearby would be a dream.

“Would you want to live together with me if I do?”

I’ve never really considered living with another person before. I’m so used to being by myself that I’ve become pretty reliant on having my own space and plenty of alone time. Besides, I’m sure if I ever did live with someone they’d get sick of me before too long and want to leave. Either that or they’d find people that they liked more than me to spend time with, or get a boyfriend to spend time with instead, and I’d go back to being alone but feel worse than before after having gotten used to being around someone else. The idea seems pretty frightening to me. Especially someone like her, who… comes with her own set of risks.

She’s straight, don’t fall for her! She’s straight, don’t fall for her!

She shows me the blemishes on her face that she doesn’t like. I lean in close to look at them and run my thumbs over them to see what she’s talking about. A passing woman calls out to us, telling us “you two really get along well! It’s nice to see such good friends.” I feel strangely flattered.

After exiting the baths we put on rental yukata and drink milk from a vending machine, and then play table tennis in a communal area. I fight the urge to joke “this is just like my japanese animes!”

After we get dressed again and leave, we wander around the nearby shopping centre one last time to look at it at night, all light up with Christmas illuminations. We hold hands and walk back home to my place, where I cook dinner for the two of us.

She tells me, “if we live together, I want to cook dinner for you every night.” My mind goes blank as my soul leaves my body for a few moments, ready to pass on to the next life after experiencing such an overdose of bliss.

I snap back to awareness and realise I’ve just been stood staring at her with a stupid smile on my face. She starts laughing at me.

After we eat I drive her to the train station so that she can head home to Tokyo. She kisses me on the cheek as we part at the ticket gates. The moment she leaves some men try to approach me to chat with me, but I’m not ready to let them spoil my good mood so I ignore them and walk away.

Well. That was an unusual weekend. Certainly makes a change from the usual routine of staying at home, drinking by myself and playing online games while avoiding interacting with other players as much as possible.

I get a message from her “I was very happy when we were in bed together last night!”

She’s straight, don’t fall for her! She’s straight, don’t fall for her!

“If we live together, do you want to sleep with me every day?”

She’s straight, don’t fall for her! She’s straight, don’t fall for her! She’s straight, don’t fall for her!

I don’t want to try and be cool about it. I tell her frankly, “Actually I'd probably fall in love with you if we did that, so maybe it's better not to.”

“Oh no!”

Oh no indeed. That’s the last thing I want too. After finally finding someone I’m so comfortable around, the last thing I want to happen is to end up with painful unrequited feelings. I know myself well enough to know I’d end up being hurt if she ever went off to be with a boyfriend instead of me, and I know that such a thing would be an inevitability. So I’m protecting myself ahead of time.

We make plans for me to go visit her in a couple of weeks time and spend the weekend together at her place. A few nights later, she phones me out of the blue.

“I have some exciting news!”

“Oh?”

“I got a boyfriend!!”

“Oh!”

The end.