Moving into the light

The closer I get to moving, the more similarities I'm noticing between moving away and preparing to kill yourself. It almost feels as though moving long-distance is a form of socially-acceptable suicide.

I've been giving away my treasured belongings that I won't be able to take with me, making amends with everyone, going around saying goodbye to the people I knew, preparing for this version of my life to end and it reminds me so much of the processes I went through in the past after having made my mind up about things and decided on a date to die. Giving away my stuff, making more of an effort to see everyone one last time, a feeling of freedom and excitement mixed with a little nervousness. The only real difference is that this time around I can actually tell them where I'm going. It seems silly to me that the practical difference it'll make to their lives is the same either way since they'll not get to see me again, but when I'm moving away they're all wishing me the best and sending me off with a smile. Now that I think back on it, the idea of moving to Japan in the first place originated from a convoluted plan to go somewhere far enough away that nobody would be able to identify my body if I did die, and if I were to stop responding to people back home they'd all hopefully think I was just too wrapped up in my new life... That plan's changed now though, thankfully!

My last day at work went well. I surprised myself with how sentimental I got when reading this card from everyone, and had a montage-style playback of all the best and worst memories from my time there while driving home with a dramatic sunset peeking through the clouds from across the bay. Even if most of the time I spent at that job was probably exhausting and miserable, now that it's all over I can only really remember 2 or 3 really bad moments - almost all of the significant memories I have left are the good ones. Maybe that's how life works? Whenever I do have unpleasant experiences now I keep telling myself, "it's ok, you'll have forgotten this ever happened soon enough and it'll be as though it never did happen" and try to force myself not to think about it too much so that I can forget it more quickly.

Before leaving I left these words of wisdom (stolen from Bojack Horseman) inside my locker for any future staff that might come to take my place and have to suffer through the busy summer seasons like I had. Life might be shit but you're not going to die just yet. You'll get through it and you'll be tougher afterwards. As long as you keep on living, there's always the chance that things might someday change.

I've gotten all my visa paperwork sorted now and I'm into the last steps before leaving, just visiting family to say goodbye and tying up loose ends. I'll get back to it!